Howdy, howdy readers. Today I’m going to be reviewing habits and showing you where I stand on these things after another month has passed in 2025. This entry is a bit longer due to the content of considerations. I’m someone who seeks to constantly improve. With that comes a lot of stopping and sitting with yourself. Lately I’ve felt like Sisyphus. The Greek story of a man who was sent to Hades to push a boulder up a hill and loses all of his progress every time he reaches the top. I just hope it doesn’t drive me insane!

Dreams

Hobbies. They may come and they may go. Fleetwood Mac reference aside, this cycle has always been the loudest fact of my life. My projects lose steam, the hype dies down, and the grind I find myself in happens to just look like a jail sentence rather than a fulfilling task. Yet I don’t give up hope. At times I find myself back in hobbies I once had to drop to accomplish another goal.

I often wonder why this happens. This interest loop I do this was actually one of the reasons I decided to blog to begin with. At first I figured I could track how I hold on to these tasks and I believe I can still talk on that. However I find myself back to square one again. My art journey seems to be on pause with drawing. Surprisingly though I’m not completely abandoning art studies as I’ve found intersecting interests that allow me to continue an aspect of this discipline. My writing has dwindled down to the point where I wonder if I’ll ever revisit my book on AI to continue to write. I still find myself writing these blogs though. I can’t thank you enough for reading them. Seriously it means a lot!

I’ve never been one to just dip my toes in something. It’s always been full steam ahead. Learn it all and learn it well. Last year around this time I was learning to fly in Microsoft Flight Simulator and eventually flew a plane in real life! As a kid who loved watching Tailspin (90s Disney show featuring Baloo from Jungle book who flies a plane) it thrilled me to know that all the studying I had done in the simulation transferred over to real life application. A year before that I was roller skating every chance I could because I was going through Roller Derby academy. This chased another dream I had as a kid. I could continue on but you can see why I scratch my head and say “Why can’t I just stick with something?” Guess I’ll go get some glue…

Now I know what you’re thinking. Didn’t you start using methods from Atomic Habits to sort all your tasks in easy to do items? Yes I have! (Also what do you mean you weren’t thinking it? Oh I had it wrong? well… uh I got nothing) I have kept up with most of my habits or have found an equivalent to continue working towards the end goal I was attempting to reach with the habit. Having a whiteboard list what your tasks are for the day has kept me on the path forward. For the most part I’m happy with where I’m at now and where I’m going.

But Why?

Reflecting on the past I find that if I dig deep on a timeline I can notice that there is always an event that disrupts said hobby. February’s Covid caused me to break my daily draw habit because I couldn’t keep up with it when I was sick. Learning to fly planes was interrupted by having to abruptly move to a new home last year. Roller Derby stopped after I got an injury where I almost broke my ankle. Life seems to know exactly when to throw a big ol’ wrench into your plans. Willpower is never bulletproof and must be maintained. Thus we practice and thus we try.

Sometimes its just that I burn out. It’s really easy to do when you get into things on a super deep level. Depression hits and keeps me from really pursuing what I love. Feelings of isolation, loneliness, and disconnection cause me to reconsider my passion. Why create art if not to share? Why make games when there’s no one to play? Why improve when there’s no real finish line to cross? Purpose is a fickle beast and yet I still find it in most things. Despite knowing I have no big audience to share with anymore since swearing off social media I feel like creativity helps me find my happy.

Lately though its been another ride in Depression’s squeaky shopping cart’s seat. Riding by as all the cool cereal boxes just get to enjoy their little lives on the shelves. Ask them how they’re doing and they’ll say grrrrrrreat! Yet I find myself as an audience member rather than the cast. Outside looking in while I figure out how it is all designed.

My ability to be social has always been hindered by overthinking. I want to reach out to those I care about and yet the feeling of being a bother creeps in. I want to talk to new people and make friends but I find myself thinking that my hobbies are not normal, my immersion in the hobbies too deep. I’ve been trying to find ways to be social by joining discords of hobbies I am pursuing and just getting on VRChat and finding people to hang out with.

Take a Look, It’s in a Book

Now, dear reader, I hope you can see where I’m heading with this. As someone who jumps hobbies I understand that not being stable in a single hobby can cause me to have a harder time being social.

Let’s say I’m learning Fighting Games:
1) I’m going to go to the arcade. One because arcades are a blast and always the perfect date to take me on.
2) I’m there to watch the game I’m learning be played by people who are better than me. It helps to visualize what success looks like and how hard work can pay off.
3) I’ll try to see if there are any groups or socializing possibilities. For fighting games that the fighting game community.
4) Join said community and talk with people who have the same interest. Play the same game.
5) Early progress of learning happens even though its frustrating. I lose a lot of games and have to sit down and run through foundations in fight game skills. I’m just happy to be there.
6) I improve and show that I’m not losing completely outright.
7) I hit a wall again or I have a hard time connecting with someone. Either way I get frustrated.
8) The grind to improve gets longer and I get more impatient.
9) Burn out begins to creep in. I begin to doubt myself completely as well
10) Eventually I tire out and fall out of practicing.
11) After a period of time a new hobby appears and the cycle once again repeats.

This example comes from my experiences back in 2022. I picked up Street Fighter 3 and played with a local group. But as you can see I ended up being my own worst enemy to the point where its another skill I’ve learned just enough at and then dropped it. Had I stuck it out back then I could be fighting in big game tournaments. Hanging out with friends I’ve had for years. Just typing this out makes me so sad because it feels like I drop out of things right before the pay off really hits. So what is there to do?

Keep trying?
Find the beauty in being able to experience so much in my life?
Chill the heck out?

While I agree there is a balance in life with all things that’s just not how my brain lets me function. It’s all or nothing. Be intelligent or feel like I can’t speak. Learn the rules or stick to the sidelines. This is just how I am. I wonder if fighting it would make things worse.

For now I’m continuing to evaluate and adjust where I can. Habits are still forming and my patience is still in tact. Not every question has a definitive answer. Not every problem can be fixed. But I’m still alive and kicking so I will continue to do my best to try.

Marching through the year

Doom

March continued on with a lot more of my Doom mapping. I have created the majority of the level layout for my project. I have began spirting (the art of making pixelated characters) which has not only revealed that I have another talent but has also filled me with joy making. As I’m writing this it is the middle of April and I’m taking a break on mapping for now I’m still excited to get back to it. I have character designs in mind along with completely retexturing what Doom looks like and converting it more into a vision I have for this story. I hope I can get to a point where I can post something for you to play soon!

VRChat

In an attempt to seek social connections I’ve decided to jump back in VRChat. I don’t have to burn gas to go anywhere, I can dress how I want, and I don’t have to stay in a space that doesn’t bring me joy. I’ve rediscovered the joys of painting 3D models and has made me want to continue learning Blender to create more. I’m still trying to find a crowd to hang out with but I’ve never really been one to fit into a social box. This was more towards the end of March so I’ll be covering more about it next month.

Low Energy

We faced a few struggles here at the house. Bad news hit from all sides last month. One of the worst things that happened was just randomly losing power for an entire day. Then an entire afternoon. I hope things are fixed now but nothing is more disrupting than losing a vital service to your home. It caused a lot of stress around here and I feel like we are still recovering from the jolt of it all.

Push that Boulder!

Well this update was a bit of a long one. I just tend to find meaning in analyzing things. Scientific method may not be perfect but it absolutely brings you data. I hope getting to see this evaluation of events in my life helped bring you and I a little closer to understanding each other. I worry that sharing these things causes second degree frustration because that’s not my goal and as someone who gets the first degree of said frustration… I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Until next time! Peace!